everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
These tits shall not be calmed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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