Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
