I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
