My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
