Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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