put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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