guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
