Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
