Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
