Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
