I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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