I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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