Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
