KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
