He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Rumble strips road head = magical
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
