someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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