Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
