your thong is hanging out like whoa
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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