where am i from again
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
