he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
