i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
