Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
