barbara walters just said penis...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
