Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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