the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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