Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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