I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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