I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
