You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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