I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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