Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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