Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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