Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
