Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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