The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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