i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
