The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
