It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
