he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
