When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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