Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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