Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
