used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
