You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
