I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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