I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
