Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
