watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
