Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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