I love black thongs
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
