Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
