God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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