So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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