I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
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You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
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But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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