I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
