Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
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And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
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you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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