I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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