4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I love black thongs
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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