God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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