I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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