Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
