I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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