I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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