I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
