I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
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Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
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Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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