You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
