I just made out with a guy for $7.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
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Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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